गीले बोल

शाम सबेरे यूं लगता है
जैसे कोई सिरहाने हो...
सर पे मेरे हाथ को फेरे
प्यार कि जैसे पहली सुबह हो...

आँखें खोलूँ वीराना है
जैसे दिल में दर्द चुभन हो...
तन्हाई भी सूनी सूनी
गीले बोल और आँखें नम हो ...

याद जो आती उनकी है अब
गीले होंठ और भीगा तन हो...
कालचक्र जो घुमे वापस
फिर मैं सहेजूँ दिन सारे वो...

Kariya

"Maalik! this year has been worse than the last one. The single plot of four bighas that I have from you has barely ..."
"Oh! You and your 'this year has been worse' story ...When will you change your excuses Kariya?" He snapped at Kariya.

Kariya is a rickshaw puller in a small village. His name is Kariya because his skin is black as coal. He doesn't even know why his name is Kariya. He remembers from his childhood days that his father had baptized him as Karee Ram. But nobody, not even his father, called him by that name. He was always called "Kariya".


"No Maalik. It's not an excuse. Come with me to the field. I'll show you. Most of the paddy was lost in the flood that..."
"Flood ...flood ...flood ...Are you the only one for whom the Kamala river specially brought flood or was it the whole village?" His irritation level had been consistently high after his wife had denied coming along with him to the village this year.
"How come the others have given a good yield? See what Jamuniya has given to Kesavji". Jamunia was another field worker who did not have any land of his own but worked on Kesavji's fields. Kesavji used to help Jamunia with any farming needs as and when needed. He had a consistent record of delivering good yield, at least better than anyone else in the village, to Kesavji and was therefore very dear to Kesavji.
"Jamunia gets a lot of monetary ..."
"What ? What do you mean ? I don't help you? who sent you the hundreds when you needed the urea? and for tractors last year? You have yet to give that back to me? Swine fellow ...keeps singing the same tune everytime ..."

It had been more than a couple of years since Vasudev had lent 200 rupees to Kariya when his wife was pregnant and needed urgent medical care. He had no fees for the doctor and his wife was pushed into labor pains prematurely when she was working in the paddy field. Kariya had been away pulling rickshaw when someone came running for him. Thankfully Vasudev had come to village that very day. Kariya was gifted with a beautiful girl but he never considered it a gift. Though she would be tall enough to work in the waterlogged paddy fields by next year, her wedding was something that Kariya was deeply worried about.
"Maalik ..." He almost tried to pray for sympathy. "Excuse me this year. It has barely yielded one monn". 1 monn was almost equivalent to 40 kgs. "It will hardly last more than a month...I also have another mouth to feed now and ..."
"Who had asked you to get another mouth to feed if you did not have the means? Bastard. I'm sure you got the full field harvested much before I came here."
"No maalik...that's not true. Whoever has told you this thing has lied"
"Shutup...You are the only Harishchandra ...huh ? I'm taking the fields back from you. No need to work on my fields now. Get yourself someone else whom you can fool every year. You have fooled me enough now.One monn from four bighas...everyone laughs at me in the village ...you bastard."

Kariya was crying within. He left Vasudev as he knew Vasudev was dead serious about this. He had heard of such rumors earlier. Vasudev had been telling everyone in the village that he would take the fields back from Kariya this year. Though, these four bighas were not as fertile as the other plots of land Vasudev had. But still just one monn from four bighas? ...This statistics somehow didn't go down well with him.

Neta was Kariya's wife. She was called Neta because of her leadership abilities. She has nothing to cook today. Kariya has not taken his rickshaw out yet because of the dense fog. She is an intelligent woman of average looks. But the whole community swears by her intelligence and presence of mind. She didn't know now though how could she feed Gahunia.Gahunia had learnt to sleep without eating anything. For her, sleeping is better than getting hit and slapped by Kariya when she asked for rice.
Kariya never liked hitting Gahunia. But he had no other option. He gets irritated so much and then Gahunia asked for rice.
"This bitch doesn't even die.Has a mouth of a python.Eat me now ...will you?" A series of slaps and Gahunia's shrieks could be heard from a mile.
"If you cannot feed her ..at least don't hit her" Said Neta.
"Oh really ? okay then here ...take it ...this is for you.." A number of backhand slaps for Neta and she also started sobbing with Gahunia in her lap now.
"Don't cry my baby ...Your father is a rascal ...I must have done evil things in the past that I got a demon here .." More sobs.
Kariya felt guilty after every such encounter. He wanted to hit himself. Many times he had considered suicide but had opted not to; thinking about Neta and Gahunia. He loved them. So very much. But love alone doesn't feed the empty stomach.
A loudspeaker kept talking about "Vote for Advani". Another one "Vote for Congress". He had dearly wanted the elections to happen sooner. He and Neta used to earn a few bucks voting for different parties multiple times. Neta carried a small oil tin in her blouse. As soon as the person on the chair pricked at her middle finger with that black coal, she used the oil to rub it off so she can vote again and get some money from the party workers. Kariya wished if elections could be held everyday. He wouldn't have to pull rickshaw or work in paddy fields. He always wondered why could the government not hold elections everyday. After all everyone says government makes a lot of money after elections. It was a win-win situation for both the government as well as the poor like Kariya. But then he knew nobody cares for the poor and may be that's why Government doesn't hold the elections everyday.
Kariya now decided he will no longer stay poor. One birth was enough. May be if he ends his life being poor, he will be rich in the next life. God cannot be unfair everytime.
"What about Neta?" He thought.
"and Gahunia". He pushed off the thoughts immediately before they could take over him again and he suffers being poor again.
Vasudev repented all his life after next morning. Neta prayed for a demon like Kariya. Gahunia did not know what changed. She still slept hungry except that now she had to take slaps not from one Kariya but from many more "Kariyas". Election loudspeakers kept making promises every five years or at times sooner. Neta knew it must be Kariya ...whenever the elections were held in less than five years.

Truth that matters...

Chaos ...disorder ..or lack of order ...unfaithfulness ...non-belief in existence of God or Godly power ...or human Wisdom ...they all point to the same truth ...that Truth exists. We keep going back and forth ...to different states of mind ...Life comes full circle ...many-a-times ...when we need to decide for ourselves ..our loved ones ...and for our so-called enemies ...which resides within as does the Truth...We want to cover our face and go back to womb ...remain in silence ...utter comfort of darkness ...the ether of amniotic fluid filled in our body and a blank mind ...with nothing to think about ...we just want to remain calm ...assuming everything is good around us ...except that such is never the truth ...and then it beckons on you at a point in life called death ...that all your life you hid yourself in darkness ...there is no worth of your death least of all your life ...

It's the Truth that matters ...the death that brings value to life ...the cognizance of worth ...the clarity of existence comes only after the experience of death ...The Truth dawns only after the darkest phase of life ...Sun rises only after the darkest hours of the night ...But by that time if you had not been aware, life is gone ...Truth remains in death and you repent. Repentance is the feeling of guilt that always occurs tragically only after you have lost ...if only you could repent before the loss ...you wouldn't lose ...You'd always be happy ...truly ? is that so? No ...Arjuna wasn't happy even after Krishna showed him the way ...Arjuna repented just before the loss ..yet he wasn't happy ...He was neutral ...Not happy not guilty ...So is the feeling of neutrality a greater state of elation than being happy ? May be ...May be not ...Neutrality can be an absence of feeling ...or absence of guilt or pleasure ...Neutrality is a state of mind ...Heart doesn't come into play when you're neutral ...It's a mind-game.But when you come out of neutrality ...the same feeling of guilt or pleasure grips you ...and it grips you hard ...jolts you to the reality of this world ...to life ...and to miseries that you might have caused because of your neutrality ...Miseries ? Yes ! Miseries. Misery of life ...of worthless death ...What happened to Kauravas in the Great war of Mahabharata? They all died a worthless death. History still recalls them as evils. So what? Since history or myth still recalls them ...it means their death wasn't worthless ...they exist ...even now ...in our minds ...homes...hearts ...somewhere ...around you and me ...Pandavas and Krishnas are only followers of Kauravas ...so they can create the worth of life by virtue of demonstrating the dance of death!

The Illumination...The Truth ...

What has the power to unlock wisdom ?... prophecy of a coming enlightenment is echoed in virtually every faith and philosophical tradition on earth. Hindus call it the Krita Age, astrologers call it the Age of Aquarius, the Jews describe the coming of the Messiah, theosophists call it the New Age, cosmologists call it Harmonic Convergence and predict the actual date ...December 21, 2012 ...if you’re a believer in Mayan math...throughout history, all of mankind’s disparate philosophies have all concurred on one thing—that a great enlightenment is coming. In every culture, in every era, in every corner of the world, the human dream has focused on the same exact concept—the coming apotheosis of man . . . the impending transformation of our human minds into their true potentiality ...

...What could possibly explain such a synchronicity of beliefs?

Maybe there is a universal truth embedded in everyone’s soul. Maybe we all have the same story hiding inside, like a shared constant in our DNA. Maybe this collective truth is responsible for the similarity in all of our stories. ...

Truth has power. And if we all gravitate toward similar ideas, maybe we do so because those ideas are true . . . written deep within us. And when we hear the truth, even if we don’t understand it, we feel that truth resonate within us . . . vibrating with our unconscious wisdom. Perhaps the truth is not learned by us, but rather, the truth is re-called . . . re-membered . . . re-cognized . . . as that which is already inside us...
...unveiling the truth is never easy. Throughout history, every period of enlightenment has been accompanied by darkness, pushing in opposition. Such are the laws of nature and balance. And if we look at the darkness growing in the world today, we have to realize that this means there is equal light growing. We are on the verge of a truly great period of illumination ...

...and all of us ...are profoundly blessed to be living through this pivotal moment of history. Of all the people who have ever lived, in all the eras in history . . . we are in that narrow window of time during which we will bear witness to our ultimate renaissance. After millennia of darkness, we will see our sciences, our minds, and even our religions unveil the truth....

मैं बच्चन बन जाऊंगा (I will become Mr. Bachchan)

Situation is such that the two lovers had a fight earlier and they have made up now. Memsaab had the problem with the saab that saabji does not look like Bachchan who could handle so many goons at the same time, neither is Saabji expert in playing Tennis or Badminton ... See what happens ... :) and how Saabji did it ...again ;)

प्यार की गहराईयों को जानना है मुश्किल
झगड़े तो होते रहते हैं जब प्यार में हों दो दिल

चाहे हो गलती मेरी या गलतियां तुम्हारी
सच्ची तो बात ये है जी कि आप हैं हमारी

दूर जाने की फिर कभी बात यूं ना करना
जो गुस्सा मैं हो जाऊं तो हमसे ना तुम डरना

मैं बच्चन बन जाऊंगा दो चार महीनों में हीं
दस बारह गुंडे देख लूं फिर चार घूसों में हीं

क्या टेनिस क्या बैडमिनटन फूटबाल भी मैं सीखूं
मैदान कोई भी हो, हर चैम्पियन को देखूं

हाय कातिल मेरी, मेरी सच्ची बातें मानो
जिन्दगी नीलाम कर दूं, जो बाहें मेरी थामो ...

So what do you think happened next ??? Anyone's guess ... :D

I am a loser (दिल टूट गया )

सोया था मैं,
देख नहीं पाया
दिल में उसके
कभी थी ही नहीं
मेरे मन की छाया

दिल में मेरे
बस तुम ही हो
पर मैं न कभी आया ?
उन अंखियन में
जिनमें देखा
मैंने प्यार भरा साया

अपने रस्ते
तुम चल देना
बिन सोचे क्या खोया
खोना तो मेरी किस्मत है
 मैं हरदम हीं रोया ...

(hehe ... full senti boss :D)

The Significant Entropy

What is the destiny? All the ancient texts speak of good and evil . . . and of man’s need to choose between them. What is evil, if not a natural law? Darkness followed light. Chaos followed order. Entropy was fundamental. Everything decayed. The perfectly ordered crystal eventually turned into random particles of dust.

There are those who create . . . and those who destroy.

Krishna in Gita tells the same thing ...who are we to chose what we want to do...create ...destroy...It's HIM. It's Him who has a choice ...Angel or Demon ..any one of them can create or destroy ...Make life or death the destiny ...Good or evil...darkness or light...Sun is bright ...but the moon is less bright and disappears during the day ...to allow for the presence of the Sun to be felt ...But it comes back as soon as the day falls ...To make everyone aware that it's still there ...It has not lost its vigor ...When Krishna shows his grand personality "Viraat Roop", it has good as well as evil ...life as well as death ...light as well as darkness ... order as well as chaos ...signifying the very truth of existence and non-existence on this earth or any planet in this universe ...Every God,Demon,Human being has a good and evil within itself...each fighting with the other or making peace with the other depending upon what the Good or Evil wants ...and not what We want ...Surprising ..isn't it?But that's what the truth is...As always bitter ...Who are we to feel good or feel guilty of our deeds? ...Who are we to decide what is good and evil? Who are we to take pride in what we do or blame evil on others? Who are we who think they can bring change? No one ...No one ...No One ....

Dreams ... (हाय रे सपनें ...)

पलकों के नीचे
चाँद के पीछे
बाँहों में भींचे
पास है वो
आज मेरे
साथ है वो ...

दिल कि धक्-धक्
तेज सांसें
बाँहों कि गर्मी
खास है वो
आज मेरे
साथ है वो ...

होठों में मय है
आँखें शराबी
उलझी लटों में
लिपटी हुई सी
पास है वो
आज मेरे
साथ है वो ...

शर्म-ओ-हया से
सिमटी है लेकिन
सीने से मेरे
लिपटी हुई है
जान मेरी
पास है वो
आज मेरे
साथ है वो ...

सुबहो की ठंढी
हवा मुस्करायें
आँखें न खोलूँ
सपनों में मेरे
पास थी वो
आज मेरे
साथ थी वो ...

The Indian Intellectuals (भारत के बुद्धिजीवी)

रात के मन का बोझ
भोर हुई, हुआ नहीं है सोझ
अभी तक, सोच की धारा बहती जाती
कल की लपटें जलती जाती
अंगारों में रात गयी है
हुंकारों में बात हुई है
कब तक ऐसा रहेगा चलता ?
बातों से कुछ नहीं बदलता
लेखों के अंबार लगे हैं
कर्मवीर बीमार पड़े हैं
अर्जुन हो बेकार पड़े हैं
बेमानी के छीटों ने अब
बौछारों का रूप लिया है
बदलो अपनी सोच को भारत
या फिर रख लो अपनी ताकत
दुबक दुबक कर कोने में हीं
लिखते रहना कविताएँ तुम
सपनों में हीं जीत कि माला
असलियत में हार का ताला
किस्मत पर फिर रोते रहना
ओढ़ रजाई सोते रहना
बुद्धिजीवी भरे हैं सारे
हाय रे भारत तेरे तारे
जाने कब ये बदलेगा सब ?

Indian Democracy (भारतीय लोकतंत्र)

रंक रंक है लोकतंत्र है नोटों की बरसात
लूट सके जो लूट सके तो खोल के अपना हाथ
खोल के अपना हाथ रे भैय्या लूट ले सारा माल
काल ने घेर रखा है देश को, तय जाना पाताल


तय जाना पाताल देश को, लोकतंत्र के अन्दर
घोटालों के बीच फंसे हैं गांधीजी के बन्दर
नेता सारे चोर हमारे हँस के कहते साथी
इस बारी जो वोट दिला दो, आँगन बांधें हाथी


आँगन बांधें हाथी, काठी के मकान तुरवाकर
ईंट के घर बनवाऊँगा मैं, कार खड़ी करवाकर
रंक बेचारे भूख के मारे होंठ सिला कर रहते
लोकतंत्र की मार को मैय्या हर एक दिन वो सहते


हर एक दिन वो सहते जब तक खून अंगार न बनता
ऐसे सारे लोग हमारे नक्सलबारी  जनता
उल्फा, ईलम, आतंकी के नाम पुकारे जाते
लोकतंत्र में भरते है बस स्विस बैंक के खाते ...

रक्त (The Red Blood)

आओ सिखाऊँ मैं तुम्हें रक्त की भाषा
इसी रक्त ने इतिहास के लम्हों को तराशा
जब रक्त है बहती, तो है, मचती तबाही
चला रक्त के ही रास्ते हर अमन का राही


कोई रक्त बहाता है अमन की तलाश में
मिले लोग ऐसे भी जो बैठे रक्त -आश में
रक्त के हीं सींच पे है समय की धारा
वो भूप हीं क्या जो न समझे रक्त का पारा


जो रक्त रखे लाल बने वो हीं शहंशाह
ज्यों रक्त हुआ श्वेत मिले न कहीं पनाह
हर वक़्त रक्तशील रहे जो वक़्त का राही
उसे वक़्त बनाता है हरेक रक्त का शाही |

The power of thinking ...

The Power of Thinking!!!
Our thoughts actually interacted with the physical world, whether or not we knew it, effecting change all the way down to the subatomic realm.The stuff of magic and myth was fast becoming reality as the shocking new data poured in, all of it supporting the basic ideology of Noetic Science—the untapped potential of the human mind.The overall thesis was simple: We have barely scratched the surface of our mental and spiritual capabilities.

Mind over matter.

...the ancient spiritual belief in a “cosmic consciousness”—a vast coalescing of human intention that was actually capable of interacting with physical matter. Recently, studies in mass meditation and prayer had produced similar results in Random Event Generators, fueling the claim that human consciousness, as Noetic author Lynne McTaggart described it, was a substance outside the confines of the body . . . a highly ordered energy capable of changing the physical world. ......McTaggart’s book The Intention Experiment, and her global, Web-based study—
theintentionexperiment.com—aimed at discovering how human intention could affect the world...

Human thought can literally transform the physical world.

that “mind over matter” was not just some New Age self-help mantra. The mind had the ability to alter the state of matter itself, and, more important, the mind had the power to encourage the physical world to move in a specific direction.

We are the masters of our own universe.


particles themselves came in and out of existence based solely on her intention to observe them. In a sense, her desire to see a particle . . . manifested that particle. Heisenberg had hinted at this reality decades ago, and now it had be come a fundamental principle of Noetic Science. In the words of Lynne McTaggart: “Living consciousness somehow is the influence that turns the possibility of something into something real. The most essential ingredient in creating our universe is the consciousness that observes it.”that the mind’s ability to affect the physical world could be augmented through practice. Intention was a learned skill. Like meditation, harnessing the true power of “thought” required practice. More important . . . some people were born more skilled at it than others. And throughout history, there had been those few who had become true masters.

This is the missing link between modern science and ancient mysticism.

“Modern polarity is nothing but the ‘dual world’ described by Krishna here in the Bhagavad Gita over two thousand years ago. A dozen other books in here, including the Kybalion, talk about binary systems and the opposing forces in nature.” .....

if we talk about modern discoveries in subatomics—the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, for example—”....“Then we must look here, ..... “The sacred Hindu Vendantic scriptures known as the Upanishads.”“Heisenberg and Schrödinger studied this text and credited it with helping them formulate some of their theories.” ....
....

Powerful truth has its own gravity and eventually pulls people back to it. There will come a day when modern science begins in earnest to study the wisdom of the ancients . . . that will be the day that mankind begins to find answers to the big questions that still elude him.” ...

The ancients possessed profound scientific wisdom. Today’s science was not so much making
“discoveries” as it was making “rediscoveries.” Mankind, it seemed, had once grasped the true nature of the universe . . . but had let go . . . and forgotten.....


And over this I and my friend, Yudi (He's doing his Phd in IIT, Delhi), talked, excerpts: (his name appears as "Coming" in this chat text)

Praveen:
heyyyyyyyyyyyy

Sent at 6:31 PM on Sunday

Coming:
hi
kya hal hai??

Praveen:
mast

Sent at 6:32 PM on Sunday

Coming:
kya ho raha hai??
aaj to teri chhuti hogi?

Praveen:
haan ji
thinking chal raha hai

.....

Praveen:
mind over matter
thoughts can change the physical world

Coming:
funde

Praveen:
my thoughts can bring you to nagpur ..and fly u back to delhi
can u beat that
the power of thinking

Coming:
but how its gng to change the physical stuff
as i m still here in delhi n u r in Nagpur

Praveen:
u r physical stuff ....and I can move u simply by the power of thought

Coming:
so its nt a physical change at all

Praveen:
thats what i'm saying ..
it will b possible
for example if u meditate ...
and think that a bowl of rice should start cooking itself ..
it will start cooking
thats the physical change
Krishna has said it in Gita

Coming:
where
can u do tht??

Praveen:
yes ... I can :)

Coming:
but not proven nywhere

Praveen:
thats what ...it doesn't need a proof

Coming:
its just a high thinking

Praveen:
only people who have that thinking power can do that
and it's a mystic thinking
a mystery ...that powerful thinkiners keep it wid thmeselves
but I'm divulging it 2 u ..
so u can also try ..
:)

Coming:
hahah
so nice of u

Praveen:
welcome ..welcome
;)

Coming:
but all this doesnt make sense until be proven wid physical stuff

Praveen:
what r the IIT guys doing ?
I hv given u an idea ..an idea that is written in Gita ..in golden words ..
it was taken up to produce atom bomb ..
so can u not take this up and produce a thinking bomb

Coming:
they r just tryng to get some oppurunity to get their degrees or a visa to US

Praveen:
something hat can actually change the world simply by thinking
I hav done enough research today ...

Coming:
dont tell me tht Gita has given the basics of Atom bomb

Praveen:
that leads me to believe that random event generators (REGs) n royal society of London and at other places generated similar events ...on 09/11
at other times they wee simpk,y showing chaotic events
but when all the world was thinking abt the same thing ...
it changed ...
Gita was actually the basic of atom bomb

Coming:
:)

Praveen:
the father of atom bomb, oppenheimer, german scientist, working for US .... was devout follower of gita
and in Gita ... when Krishna takes the Virat roop ..

Coming:
tht doesnt mean tht he got the formula from Geeta

Praveen:
which fails the brightness of 1000 suns
it's what the atom bomb is .. ;)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._Robert_Oppenheimer

Coming:
thts just a poetic imagination
nthng else

Praveen:
u IIT guys are stupid products producing nothing productive

Coming:
if u'll read the old stories of ny part of the world u'll able to find many fantacies like tht

Praveen:
get the hell out of IIT
no fantasies..

Coming:
IIT ids nt a place to b productive

Praveen:
m telling u ...

Coming:
its just a machine
creating a product for some money generation

Praveen:
my thoughts ...and ur thoughts ..if they think and meditate on the same thing ..
they can produce strange constructive results

Coming:
hmm
lets c
not now but probably after some time

Praveen:
so I can fly u to nagpur and back..
simply by thinking ...

Coming:
coz this time atleats till october i dont ve a time

......


Coming:
hahah

Praveen:
okay ..with our thinking we can stop time ticking ...
and travel timelessly

Coming:
hmm

Praveen:
that's possible too ..in the world of untapped thinking power of human mind

Coming:
hmmm
nice idea
lets do sth

Praveen:
so u wanna join ?
in this thinking experiment ?
think ..think and think ...and meditate ...
and meditate to change this world ...and harness all the flying energy all around us

Coming:
hahah
i dont ve a time to tht now
but u ve
so do some batleast basic stuff

Praveen:
all IITians are stupid fellas running after just the degree ...not anything new to experiment
hahahahaha

Coming:
they r overburdend by their cirriculam
so they cant do the meditation

Praveen:
u can change that too ...by the thinking process

Coming:
na..u ve to change it by some other mean

Praveen:
u can think and convey ur concern without speaking a word to ur professor ...and get grades ...

Coming:
hahaha
hypnotism

Praveen:
like in Munnabhai first movie ...munnabhai says "Palattt" to the actress in the hospital ..and she turns around ...
that's the magic of thinking ...

Coming:
hahah

Praveen:
u see ..the bollywood drectors an script writers have got more brains than IITians ...

Coming:
thts movie my dear frnd
n nything can happen ovr there

Praveen:
u guys r wastage o energy and time and money ..

Coming:
IIT never claim to ve most of th brains

Praveen:
hehehehehe
chal take care ..

Coming:
sure

Praveen:
I'll talk to you when my rice bowl gets ready .. :D

......

Coming:
....
tu aur teri birbal ki khichadi

Praveen:
hehehehe'
bbyeeeeeee

दुनिया मेरी हिली हुई है (My world is shaken)

रामायण के पलटे पेज, देखा मैंने भीष्म का तेज
गीता सारी रगड़ है डाली, कृष्ण कन्हैय्या को दे भेज


दुनिया मेरी हिली हुई है, कुरुक्षेत्र में गड़ी  हुई है
मात पितर और सखा कि बातें दिल में मेरे चुभी हुई है


मन कि ग्लानि मारे ठेस, बदल बदल के सारे भेष
हे हरी दीन दयालु मेरे, डालो अपनी मुझ पर खेश

Times have changed

Times change so quickly. I realized it this morning.'Somehow I get attached to too many things too quickly and then later feel bad when it gets distant.A part of brain is always at work thinking ...thinking ...thinking. when you see things in perspective and ,without any speculation, just stare at the horrible facts of your life. Someone says why be so rude to oneself? And I tend to think why not? I mean I should be the first one to be rude to myself. And then point fingers at myself for all kinds of failures so far rather than blaming everything on someone other than myself. Heck ...why bother? huh ..Because it grows in importance. And takes your mind and heart in captivity. Before you realize the doom, it has already knocked your door down. An astonishingly white boring day ahead with lots to do and accomplish ...yet so filthy. I'm not too sure if this is what I wanted.